| 2009/10 Diaries - Stories from following Town and Crown |
| Ukraine Away by Blacky Started Monday with the 7pm train from Preston picking Stingray up at Warrington and Fake Nez at Luton before making our way to Luton Airport hotel we're we drank the night away with Spiv and Scouse. 5am wake up and to the airport for breakfast while one certain member was busy helping himself to anything not securely fixed to the shelf. Fly into Bucharest and we get a taxi to the train station, only just mind as the taxi runs out of juice. Spiv and Scouse head for coach tickets and we get on the important task of drinking. 7pm, we get our stash for the next 10 hour coach journey over the seemingly relentless pot holes twinned with no shitter on board, but boys will be boys and we entertained ourselves. Scouse giving moonies followed by foul smells, Stingray sharing a bed with the bus driver, pissing in bottles and lets not forget the cheesy popcorn getting everywhere. Let’s be honest about this, we wasn’t the most popular people on the coach, as no one dared near the “Republic of PrestonAway”. Eventually arrive Chisinau, Moldova for 4am and go in search of a hotel, a few false starts but before long we find the Hotel Chisinau and after 10 hours we are all hot, sweaty, tired, smelly and Blackys desperate for a shit, of which the recpetionist is only to happy to watch him squirm touching cloth before eventually been released for a on "tour turd". We rose and shone and met up at midday and took a gentle stroll around Chisinau, few beers and some local nosebag. The old Soviet markets are top notch, anything is obtainable, lets just says Customs and Excise (cunts) would have been very interested. Drop the loot off and get ready for the night before a heavy night commences starting with beers, some real old Moldovan food in the middle finishing in a Greek restaurant with several bottles of wine before calling it a night at 3am. On the Thursday we was to get a minibus to Odessa via the taboo territory of Transdniestria, offically Moldovan but in the laps of Russia, takes us an hour to get in and the obligatory beers and food in any country fill them voids before we get on our way and roll up at a rather unimpressed Ukrainian border post. Scouse was keeping us entertained with his antics as per usual, giving locals abuse while Igor was hot on the formalities, anyway as we drew up to the border box, the meat head behind the counter didn’t look all too impressed, and it didn’t help as we mocked him and laughed, however in the way of the world, as soon as he found we was here for football related duties his stance changed and he was only too happy to let us in, as they overlooked our customs haul of fags and booze. We was happily on our way with Spiv sleeping yet again to Odessa. Arrive in the old war town of Odessa, Spiv organises the ticket for the night train and he is soon reaping his rewards in a bar after we fuck seeing the Black Sea off. Scouse ends up sniffing one of the best boozers on the tour out, a right quiet local set back and 10 odd beers, half a bottle of vodka, coke and crisps barely touches over 12 quid, fuck your IRA bars, that’s my kind of supping establishment. On the way to the train we catch a shop and cause chaos as we order in supplies for the trip, a lasting memory of some lady walking in, jaw dropping and walking back out. Fuck off this shops now English territory. Get on the sleeper train and it’s not long before a non too regular PrestonAway member is missing, he’s only been caught short and arrested for pissing in the train corridor, anyway after a while to stew over his antics he is bailed out by the way of a bribe. The rest of the night goes quietly before some cunt drops his guts in the carriage which leaves Z’s and Stingray actually physically choking as they struggle with the locked door. Arriving Dnepropetrovsk it’s a bit of an arse ache finding our digs for the next few nights but after a hearty effort we are in! Off in to Dnipro and again PrestonAway is pissing all over Englandfans+ as we get offered a ticket in the Ukraine end at £60, not bad but the Jewboy who has it says to ring him later. By some mysterious force we seem to be led into a bar and drinking commences in the main square. The night rolls in as do the clouds, rain, thunder and the atmosphere. It starts at TGI Fridays were we end up for some scran, but there’s a mob of 20 Ukranian outside, little did they know we was on a 3 course meal and that they couldn’t serve for shit in there, so bored off they toddled. We are out safe and sound, anyway too push the boundries just to test fate we head off down a few side streets to find a bar, of which we do as well as a handy group of around 60 Ukraine’s, a bit more than we bargained for. We sup up and decide to make a move but as we do so does a blacked out car which appears to be following us, had the team hotel not been a 2 minute quick walk you’d probably be reading my funeral arrangements now. We escape by the skin of our teeth and sup the night away in a more kosher bar across from the apartment. Saturday comes and it was jeans only to cover our tatt’s after the previous nights moody episodes and we need to book our escape so down to the station and we've seriously fucked up, everythings booked apart from the 12am train that night, we’d already booked our apartment but it’s our only exit so it’s got to be booked - NO QUESTIONS. To the square but the locals are wanting photo’s and the queue is getting bigger so we head out of the centre towards the ground for a few quiet ones. The game is upon us and one of the lads is still down a ticket, so the plan is to blag it in by “backpassing” the ticket, but by luck some English fella is selling face value briefs for the England end, needless to say we rip his hand off. Succesfully we are all in the England end. Quite a entertaining game, especially the spectacular at the beginning with 10 flares thrown on to the pitch 10 seconds in and the tarts giving it the biggy at the end. Some great chants too, “You’re shit, but you’re birds are fit” and the even rummer “Small town in Russia”, Ouch. Game over, no time to fuck about, back to apartment, pick up bags and straight to the train station heading for Kiev. Everyones a winner, Spiv haa a bird who loves playing the flirt and getting her tits out in the cabin, Scouse has copped a birds number and address and me, Stingray and Z’s end up sharing 4 bottles of Cognac with 4 Ukranians till every last drop has gone and we retire to bed at 4am. We arrive Kiev and it’s fucking grim, pissing down blowing a gale and feeling a bit rough and International relations are no futher improved when I decide to wash my feet with a baby wipe in public, we find ourself a cheap but no so cheerful (This is the Soviet Union remember) hotel. Not long before pleasantries are shared in a bar and the beer prices are a deep fucking shock I tell you, when the norm has been 60p and then it’s £2 its an outrage I tell you. Bit of a mooch in the Kiev bitter cold and we find a beerkellar and all was going well until some great lumix ended up trashing the fucking gaff to loud crashes and bangs with out subsequently knowing what was going on, too late before the fat cunt could be caught he’d fucking left leaving a trail of destructions in the tracks of his size 13's. Back to the hotel we rent the whole sauna for an hour with a bit of a kip, just enough to freshen up for the night as we hit the Arena bar, were just it seems every other English fan is, it’s rammed with us . . . and brass. There’s only 2 troops left, me and the Spiv before Scouse decides to join us. Z’s and Stingray enjoyed a 15 hour sleep and was no where to be seen till the next morning. Later Angus, a North Ender living in Norway, joins us as we hammer our way through 1.5 litre jars of beer. A bit of an incident breaks out with Leeds fan who aren’t happy about one member of PrestonAway of talking to a bird who they believed had divine right too, A “you snooze you lose” jibe didn’t go down too well before they are escorted from the establishment. We bid farewell to Angus and in the haze of it all get ourselves involved in a bit of a titty bonanza as we get on the hospitality trail. Eventually roll into the hotel at 5am were a few beers are swallowed before hitting the bed. The next morning is a bit of a rush, get to the airport before taking the flight back to London and connecting back upto Blighty to be back in my own bed with Bacon Butties and a proper cuppa for 10.30pm |
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| Hibs Away by Blacky It started Friday night as everyone bottled it leaving just me in the car and with Virgin still only at £0 6 hours before the train north of the border, I snapped there fucking hand off . . . Trains was packed with nobbers and more alighted the further North we went, i was still half cut and so a bottle of Bucks Fizz was just the order. Arrived Edinburgh and it was eye watering stuff watching 200 North enders converge of Scotlands capital. Straight to one lusher were the rum was flowing along with a noisy English parade to the next bar. The old Bill were like shit on a blanket and things took a little nasty turn for the worse as some lads tried to start winding the old Bill up, the highlight being some dozy security bloke trying break into his own van after locking himself out. While this is going on, some hard of hearing OAP mis hears one of the lads and fucking whacks him breaking his walking stick and leaving lad with a nasty bruise to show for his troubles. To the Ground and "1 OAP Please" isn't going to pass here so it's an adult one. A minutes clap for Sir Bobby Robson impeccably done by Hibs, full credit, and a chant of "There's only one Bobby Robson" followed by a national anthem was all i'd come for. Now time for a snooze before going for something to eat and a chat with the bird behind the counter. Another snooze, a chat with few lads and then the game picks up and North End are looking good. 3-1 win, ace news, walk back to the city and to the 'Spoons for a few more beers before boarding our train back to blighty. i was fucking soaked in it and what a top train ride home, It was the party carriage which no normal person would enter, 95% Nobbers singing anything from "Wise Men" to "God Save the Queen" to "She's Electric", Even the Stoke lads lightened up and bought a few beers to join in. Next thing i'm being awoken in a bush by the old bill, one last gin and tonic at the Victoria and its home with a Chinese. |
| Tales of International duty: Dutch Away by Jimmy A, Ukraine Away by Blacky, Brazil in Doha by Bambs |
| Doncaster Away by Gaz The first trip of the new season was shrouded in doubts as to who would actually make the trip to donny! Seb was out after his back op, duck was goin to see tinchy strider and the english pig himself, blacky, was laid low with swine flu!! However blacky shook off swiney to drive me and belter back to yorkshire and the scene of last years best away trip. The restover lodge was booked and the drive down was eddie stobart incident free and included the usual hgv piss stop. On arrival we met up with JK and after tryin my hand at bein a hotel receptionist i treated the boys to a top notch (if i dont say so myself) champagne picnic! JK, fresh from a serious knee op, fucked his leg up tryin to climb a wall! To be fair black cleared it no probs so no suprise he fancied his chances lol We then got to baileys bar and to our delight it hadnt shut/been burnt down lol Prices were up 1p from 98p to 99p a pint so we were fair chuffed! Pints and shots flew down (and afew came back up!) as we mixed with the local riff raf. Then at bout 2.45 we thought we best get a taxi to the game.... In the 1st half we dominated and it looked as though it wud be another comfortable away win as it was 4 months previous To celebrate we were suppin in the stands usin the old pint in coffee cup trips but donny hit back and it ended 1 a piece We were the last ones in the stand as a JK hobbled off the steward was after hurryin is up- cue a load of abuse bein thrown in that dicks direction! We did eventually leave and found big man (who had obviously gone off on a solo!!) and went for a sly pint as we waited for a taxi Back at the hotel it was a case of a quick change of pastin gear before returnin to baileys to start the big nite out! The shots got too much for beltz and he barfed all over the bar- the barmaid though it was me, egged on by blacky, and to prove my inocence i had to prove i could stand up lol U know ur in a rum bar when bein able to stand shows ur sober haha The nite rolled on to the town centre and the yorkshire birds were lovin us and the preston away digicam- know were no oil paintins but it was no suprise given the horrible yorkshire chavs to compete with lol Blacky had a little run in with some of our asian "friends" and then took himself off on a solo- we assumed he had gone to find old flame lisa but as it turned out it was for a kebab and to make a mess of the bed sheets lol The rest of us tried in vain to find a curryhouse- what sort of indian closes at 12.30????! Me thinks they didnt fancy havin us! So we ended up at a chink and despite pissin them off we got fed before hittin the bunk beds. In the morn i went to reception in what can oly be described as a flannel to ask for towells and was rightly givin a lot of shit by the other punters We then went for a spoons breaky where we met my new e-mail pal- a wierd geezer with a camera round his kneck for a solo trip to the pub! Cant wait to hear from him lol Then it was time to say goodbye to JK and make the trip home. I know who im hopin for in the 3rd round FA cup draw!! Fuckin love it :-) |
| Holland v England by Jimmy A The trio of myself, Tynan and Meatball set off from Preston at 2pm for our 7pm flight to the 'dam. Few cheeky ones in Liverpool airport and the odd trickle of money from a bandit later and we're on through check-in and onto the wetherspoons upstairs, quick one in there and then we're waiting for the security bit. Bit of a wait for that and then give some scousers some bullshit about how they can pick tickets up in a brothel and we're on the way to the 'dam. Arrive, and make our way to the hotel – right in the middle of the museum district of 'dam, apparently 200 yards from where the England team were staying – according to Raj our taxi driver, yeah reet. Anyway, bags dropped off, change of top and we're out trying to find the red lights. None of us had ever been 'dam before, so we were screwed until we asked some guy head to toe in tattoo's where to go, and jobs a good 'un – we're there. Quick pint in one pub before we spot some old bill blocking off the end of a street with an england flag flying half way down outside a boozer. Walk in and see good old Serdy, Bill Routledge and a couple of other faces from Preston. Happy days. Few more beers in there before moving on, and heard a bit of noise coming from over the canal. Walk in and get talking to some Bristol Rovers lads , few beers later and we're all in the street having a good sing song – ten german bombers etc, before some Dutch decides he wants to plough through the lot of us on his moped. Next minute, two lads have the back of the scooter before one of the rum Bristol Rovers lads nabs his keys and straight in the canal. Presume he walked home...... Also that night, coming on pretty early morning and a few were retreating back to their pits – some Turks come over giving some of the English lads some grief, “you english hooligans? We turkish hooligans” - next minute they're getting chased down the street before one typical turk arms himself with a bin full of glass, but instead of lobbing it at the english he chucks it in the canal and runs after his other two turk mates further down the street. Typical. In between near scrapes with Turks and seeing a ped key fly into the canal was winding up the hookers, some proper hounds there it was like something from Crufts, but the odd punter paid and every credit like – just not my cup of tea. After the heavy night the night before we went down to the red light to see the scooter still outside the same boozer, but with it been matchday the canal bridges were filling up with England flags nicely – and bumping into a couple more from Preston around the city was a good touch. We got whiff of a bit of trouble involving some Ajax lads trying to kick off, couple of texts coming through asking about the 15 arrests, all Dutch – not that the typical english media reported it that way. England are away, there's trouble, must be English. Fuck off. Anyway got chatting to a few lads who've lived in the 'dam for a few years in a bar so they got us on the tube to the ground. Got there and the size of the stadium is massive. Saw one of the lads I went college with who's a massive Rovers fan who was trying to hide half a dozen spliffs around the ground for after the game. Good old Carty. Game itself was alright like, good comeback and a nice ground. The comeback was for Sir Bobby, an english hero who was duly recognised all week in 'dam, every other song was for Sir Bobby – a true English great. Had a good night Wednesday when back in the red light, busy night but no trouble at all. Spent the Thursday pretty much chilling out, doing a bit of spending (got a decent Penguin polo for 20 euro) and saw Am'dam's answer to the Jackson 5, the Jackson 3. |
| Leicester Away by Gaz After our rather rum antics in ayia napa beltz duck conway and my goodself were back on domestic duty and a trip to the old walkers bowl Trains prices are much like belters ex- hideous- so i decided to give big red another run out, quick trip round preston to pick up the boys and were off. The lads braveley attemptin to get back on the beer The trip consisted of lookin at hol photos- some are just gross!! and reminissin about the hol Finally we get there and stick motor on a condemed bowling green. We have a quick check on the surface and practice our moves before headin to a lush house Its home fans only but were in pastin gear so quick change of accent and we blag our way in! We are met in there by a couple of preston pegs (kayleigh and christine) who seem fine showin off there colours Conway was a pullin machine on hol but his confidence took a knock as the barmaid turned down his advances (she had a bf or she was all urs mate!) Onto the ground and only one clown paid for adult- conway was in as an under 18! Touch base with nezz and johnny then its time for the action Surely one of the best results of the season as we end there long unbeaten home run with a 2-1 win and we spot blacky playin the drums in the tigers end! Come on lad it was u wasnt it?? After the game we escape needin a police van this time and via bargain booze we are back on the road. Conway spotted a car of tarts so at the lights he wrote out his number and ran to their car, window down and gave it the ugliest one. I believe were still awaitin the call tho.... This would not be our last brush with a car full of birds- we spotted one on the outskirts of leicester but big red cudnt keep up. With all hope gone we stopped off for a standard HGV piss stop but there they were!! We chased em 100 miles per hour down motorway to show em a pic of ducks slong! They returned the favour by flashin the baps! Result!! The last drama on the road was big red runnin on empty, with some rum smells occurin we found a fill up stop- phew! Quick visit to see blackys sis and the doyles then it was town to meet ed and his rum mate ethan. I wont tell u how he introduced himself to belter but u might see the pic.... Then it was just ur standard sat nite out in preston- not ayia napa but still alot of fun! |
| QPR Away by Gaz QPR away could only mean one thing- train to London baby! So with tickets bought months in advance Belter, Seb, Duck, Kayleigh and Christine joined me at the train station at 6am with bags and bags of supplies! Blacky was on a stop over weeked with fossil visitin war museums and that but we were plannin a meet After the sucess of the pineapples trip to loftus rd in 2007 we kept up the fruit theme by bringing a melon this time. Belter used the mascarra to give him a rum old face and i decked him out in a sombrero! After some debatin we eventually settled on Neil Mellon as his name lol Was great to be back on the train and the cans were flowin all round, a quick stop at crewe then we cracked open the old fave Asda Asti on the last leg to Euston with belter makin friends with one glamerous passenger! (possibly a hooker lol) At the station we met up with Belters "top off" buddy- i think its Dicko- although i apologise if im wrong mate!haha Then all the remaining cans were booked into lost luggage as we went on the hunt for a pub. We made it aout 200 yards out of the station before realisin we didnt have a clue were to go. No one,not even taxi drivers, had herd of a wetherspoon??! So we tried our look at a hotel, they did not like us and told us no ale till noon and basically to piss off! Tails between our legs it was back to the station and try our luck at the station bar- no ale till 10am, was 9.15 so feckin useless! We ended up buyin cans from the offy and suppin them near an emergency box playin Kayleighs round the circle drinkin game and gettin picks with mells Dicko and beltz werent payin 30p for a piss so they hurdled and "Klinsmmanned" over and under the railings lol Eventually we did get to a pub for beer with breaky- at this point beltz was pissed as fuck! We were worried he werent gonna make it much further but some sausages sorted him out! The underground is far to complex for us to work out and i had a bit of a fiasco in that i ended up flyin solo! Train set out without rest of em on board and Kayleigh hopped off leavin me on my way to Belushis bar in shepherds bush Rest of em got fellow passengers to pose for pics in mells sombrero before eventually meetin me We eyed up and then eventually claimed some leftover bites before headin off to another bar- the fresh air hit and from this point on things get a little hazy....... Afew of the lads went down an alley for a leak and we ended up roamin some back streets, at this point neil mellon was impaled on a pole and left for dead! Another pub stop before a stagger to the ground in time for some soccer! We crashed to a resondin 4-0 defeat- ouch! Just didnt go well on the day. Equally frustratin was trin to get an ale at HT, beltz cued for 20 mins to be told there was no berr left! This obvioussly pissed many people off and there was a bit of a rucuss between fans and the police under the ground. After the game we worked our way back to euston with Christine gaggin for some meat inside her..... she wanted a burger for all you out there with dirty minds lol We recovered the goody bags and tried jumpin on the first direct train to the homeland- but this was thwarted by the rail boys who spotted our tickets were at 7.40 and via manchester So we had to go and supp in the waitin room before tryin again.... this time i held back our tickets and basically accused the inspector of not givin em me back! Anyone that knows me knows that i cant lie for shit but i made a good fist of this and aided by seb we got him to stick us on a direct train in first class! The girls got some more champagne and using fruit and leftover sups beltz made us some cocktails, however it werent long before we were ousted from the posh seats We then lost 2 men- seb and dicko went mysteriously missing . . . Dicko was found snoggin the face off a preston peg who was with her mum!lol Seb was later found on his own and lets just say he was dealing with some business haha Back in preston and standard trip to Queen Vic for more beer and kareoke with the rest of the boys, always fun. Crackin trip despite the defeat and good on the girls for gettin into the spirit of things right from the off. As for the belter v christine drinkin comp id call it a draw lol |
| Brazil Away by Bambs Right lads, this is not your usual trip as we start off in the holy land of Saudi Arabia were i'm posted with work. Morning starts early rudely awoken by the mosque at the end of the road, its five bells. What am i going to do for another two and a half hours, well fuck all so i'm a bit pissed off. I roll out the villa and down to wake another lad Scott up who foolishly was sampling the home brew the night before. Me and Scott have lined a lift up to another compound where we head for a cooked breakfast of beef sausage and beef bacon, oh the joys of a Muslim country. We rock up at the checkpoint, cars checked for bombs and away we go. For this trip i had to negotiate a couple of drivers due to the jeep not being allowed out of Saudi, the things they do after you run a Paki worker over. The two drivers happen to be Scottish one rocks up with a fucking Brazil shirt on always game for a laugh, so now the trip consists of 2 Jocks, 4 Loyalists form Belfast and 3 English, very different Quota. So we set off on our drive to Doha, a four hour trip costing 7 quid in petrol. All is going well, poor Scott has fallen asleep due to over doing the home brew and the weather is about 37 degrees. Trips boring but a hour into the trip Scott wakes up and we stop at a shop for water and a piss. Everything is going so well then the home brew comes back to haunt Scott, his guts in tatters he ends up going in the worst toilet ever and i've seen some of Blackys pictures. This was so bad i couldn't bring myself to take a picture. Back on the road we had to stop for some camels crossing eventually we rock up at the border, the slag behind the counter was feeling horny - she showed us some EYES. After a fucking hour we are through, 9 lads chomping on a real beer after leaving Saudi, work out its another fucking hour and a half to Doha. Spirits a bit down here usually on a england trip i cant see after 5 hours. We get into Doha to be greeted by one of the Irish boys mates, Bronko. He's put a BBQ on and some ale - MAGIC, everyone'shappy now. We spend a couple of hours there then take a windy trip to the hotel and check in, every one goes for a shower so to avoid the queue, I wander down to the bar, It's class, get a pint in, It's full of English and crickets on, can't beat it. Well as you guessed not having a real ale for 5 months I took advantage. Got a shower and off to the night club, dave the jock was po-go-ing on the dance floor and i was trying to consume as much ale as possible, it was a long day but we were the last in the club, well 3 of us. Match day - who cares??? Well i've seen so many a friendly, it wasn't the top of my list but these lads had never been so I get up about 8 and go round the pool bar he opens at 9 so i jump in and swim over, "pint please mate"! He's not opem till 12 the bastard. I spend the entire morning staring at the beer pump 12 comes and i'm on it. Eventually peel away fro a Q&A with Ray Parlour which was quite good, more lager and its off to the game on a fucking bus that took for ever. We get to the ground, why I buy a ticket I don't know as we walked straight in again. Put the flag up, watch the first half, its shit so thats me, fuck this i'm off to the hotel for more ale. Everyone else had the same idea as we bump into the other 5 outside, could we get a taxi? Could we fuck so we get in some mushes car at the traffic lights and get a lift, We are a terrorists best mate, all he needed were the boiler suits. Back to the hotel were more ale is consumed until we are the last to leave. We had a short night as we had to get out the hotel at 9am as some lads were working at 3.30pm, the inconsiderate bastards. It's a long fucking drive. All the Best No Surrender |
| Blackpool by Blacky So weren't off to best of starts when I pick Hurricaine up from Phantom Winger and as a joke put a balaclava on and trying try start giving evils to a driver only to find the old bill were on my trails. Not a great start, so tail between legs Balaclava off i drive like a good one till they eventually turn off and meet Gaz at Pig and Whistle, our usual Scum away day pub. Msh and Laura Swindells who was chauffeur for the night turned up as we finished off our drinkks. It was a quiet old drive up were we parked up and with 30 mins to spare to the ground, a few rum photos and witnessing a steward getting fucked up in a crush after Wallaces goal was too much excitement for one night. So with a 1-1 draw it's back to car for home, but not before Balaclava's out again intimidating drivers as we get out the car park and it worked as we drove home having found we'd been on SKY and lsitening for the next installment of "Hideous" off Mash for Soapbox. one not to be missed. For a Monday night and only a 40 mile round trips, quite eventful in action but not so much on paper. |
| Cardiff Away, Part One by Blacky Cardiff away was final instalment of International duty of 2009 and with the lads going for a night on Cardiff I was due a solo on the train . . . until I had the pleasure of Christine, James and Kayleigh. Asda at 11.30pm Friday night for the stash with first can cracked in the dark at 5.55am Saturday morning on train station. it was going be a long day on the ale. James had done the honour and made a whole pigs worth of sausage butties. Into Manchester and swapped trains, We hadn’t even left Manc when we had our first victim who just couldn’t bear the thought of 3 hours with us. I done a quiz to keep us occupied and it ended up half the train joining in, this is before I nearly killed some bloke with a cork with Christine kindly providing the champers. Arrive in a blustery Cardiff, stash whats left of the ale and the food and in to Wetherspoons for a few beers and a breakfast before finding ourselves a quaint little boozer to finish of festivities before taxi to ground. I went in search of my blagged ticket as the others went in to get out of the rain. Great time was had even if I found Welsh people do not like balaclavas, shame about the result, but fuck it. We was well oiled luckily and I actually slept through the second half. Back out in to the rain and a dressing down off the Old Bill as I remember the words “You’ve been a pain all game”, fucking hell you’d though I’d been running amok. A wet walk back to the station, pick up our stash out of a bin store with few more supplies and it was a busy old train back. Another bit of a chat with GMP before the train back to Preston were we had a good laugh with a newly engaged couple enjoying some Archers and some fella’s who’d been on Christmas market, anyway disembark and straight into the Old Vic, for some G&T’s, a bit of Karoke, which was a right effort with the state I was in before having chat with Big STAN. Finish off at 1.30am in Dilshads before getting head down, Was working like a Fat Mess by 8am with a half Eaten Dilshads for Breakfast. International duty – can’t beat it. Cardiff Away, Take 2 by Gaz 6.10am and I was still fast asleep but Blacky, Christine, Kayleigh and James were on the train, with booze galore, on the way to Cardiff. We would meet them later..... Duck picked up seb, beltz and me at a more respectable time and we were on the road ourselves, cans cracked and banter flowin About half an hour in the married man of the group almost pissed himself but we stopped just in the nick of time, this led to a procession of piss stops with belters bladder weaker than ever!! Still we were havin fun and seb delighted us with his song to the tune of "your mums yer dad...."- "Monday to friday, 9 to 5, we work like pricks just to survive, when weekend comes we lose our head, even though one of us is officially wed, suppin, pissin, shittin to, what the fuck do us boys do, we'll meet big blacky there no doubt, cos hes on the choo choo with Kayleigh and Troupe!" Absolute genius if u ask me. On arrival in Cardiff ducks sat nav died so we had no idea were to go. Seb had the brains to think he could ring mrs salisbury for directions. He also had the balls to throw in the cheesey line ever sayin "if carlsberg made wifes ud be up there!" Not suprisingly it was met with silence at other end of the blower lol Still we got to the hotel and happy days it was a pub with bedrooms!! But we were bein stingy and only got a room for 2 for the 4 of us! Armed with an airbed, covers and about 6 bags/cases me and duck tried to book in while belter heckled us from the bar! And then from no-where i went through the bookin in process with a welsh (or geordie??!) accent! The woman was clueless and after workin out my name wasnt "marin" we were in business! Quick pint at hotel, which "i cant down" duck ate- the poor lad must have been gaggin by this time then it was taxi to another lush house near the ground to watch the dingles lose while celebratin on the shots. We got on the game late as fuck and on there we found the rest of the clan- blacky pissed out of his skull with a balaclava on!!lol He just about had enough energy for the national anthem, to argue with the police about his choice of headwear and a half time pint before sleepin through the 2nd half!!! In case u dont know mate we lost 1-0 in a pretty poor game and the only thing worse was the weather, it was monsooning down as we said goodbye to the train travellers and swam to a pub! Back at our hotel we pumped up the airbed and got ready for the nite out on yet more champers! We started with a cavery and then took to playin a wierd game of beer cricket which ended when i whipped the wickets (a chair!) over!! Time to go boys so we got a taxi to town.... Big old nite with plenty of shots and how i werent sick ill never know! As per usual we made friends with the locals. We spent a good while with some random old head, then we met the bin bag girls and some mush who lost the rest of his stag do party but was happy enough with a pocket full of mdna tablets lol We the club emptyin we decided to go home. But we hadnt had a bite- duck saw his opportunity and made a dash for the cavery leftovers only to be chased to bed by the old security mush haha It was a dry nite for seb which is always a bonus when u have 3 6 footers in 2 singles and duck on the airbed! So to celebrate we got back on the ale and gave ourselves some very stylish side partings for the day lol Down at the bar we were reminded of our cricket exploits and before my accent completely went to shit we did one to the park and ride (i know very random!!) But not to worry we werent about to go xmas shoppin we were off to spoons for cheap food and drink on our AIG works do!! At this point seb broke the news that he was supposed to be cookin tea at home at 4 and as it was already 2 there was trouble ahead!lol He decided the only thing to do was to say duck was off his head and couldnt drive yet lol Still we were already plannin for the Ox do- thats the anti stag do which u go on before u get divorced hahaha We did eventually head home via an offy for pink lambrini, asti and scratchcards- which seb won on! A great success for the boys, just like this welsh invasion weekend had been throughout. |
| The digestives had gone strangely soggy and stunk of piss |
| Donny team photo |
| Waynetta Slobs and Vicky Pollards galore in Donny |
Spreading the Soul . . .
| We came, we drank, we left |
| Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the canals. |
| Rascals that went Leicester |
Sleaze central . . .
| International Tour entourage |
| Sunday Mornings breakfast cha |
few too mant sherberts for the big man
| Belter getting fucking down with it |
| Ducks motto while driving - Kill a child, not y'er speed |
| Team photo from Scumsville |
| "you can shove y'er fucking coaches up your arse" says Neil Mellon |
| Team photo with plenty of PA debutants |
| Wouldn't be doing that if ya needed a shit son |
| Night ends in typical fashion |
North End Soul with Arab plates
| It's no M6 this cha |
| A totally different mob, all PA Virigns |
| making the bus ours |
| Arriving Chissy at some unsavoury hour |
| Even more unsavoury - on tour turd |
The big taboo - Transdniestria
| Who's brought the marshmellows cha |
| Entertainment for the 45 minute lock in |
| Tour rigours take there toll |
| Notts Forest Away by Gaz With the game on the box and with it bein the day after the lads annual xmas fancy dress another trip to nottingham did not seem the most attractive proposition. But belters bruv is a forest fan so matts, dave and beltz were goin so me and conway decided why not join the party. The morning was made up of numerous phone calls from conway tryin to get us to go in last nites fancy dress gear. At one point we told conway we were doin it but eventually a guilty concience got the better of me and we fessed up. The fancy dress was a real heavy one and as i tried a can of bodds for breaky i found myself with my head in the toilet barfin my brains out. So it was shandy at the lane were i met conway and duck, this was followed by an aftershock - a taste of xmas courtesy of conway!! Dave and matts then picked us up and we got belter and got motoring through the snow, the entertaiment was provided by conway gettin us all a random scorecast from laddies. Needless to say we didnt win!! In notts, matts and dave went in the home end and the rest of us eventually found the away bit- late as ever! Conway got in for a £1 as an under 16. He says he charmed her but i'd be a bit worried if she was into 15 year old boys mate lol By the time conway found us in the stand mckenna had forest in front. The first half was shit, the stewards were dicks and it was freezin. Not great We went down early for a sup and saw bday boy ryan heaps with his crew on a stopover mission. Within 2 swigs conway had decided he was stoppin!! 2nd half was slightly improved and good support from the idiots that made the trip but we were well and truely beaten (3-0). We spotted conway and them leavin for the pub when the 3rd went in and why not eh Trip home was quiet with matts chuffed at the result and winnin the first GS, we took consolation in plannin our xmas drinkin adventures. Conways were already well under way and after a romantic 3 course meal with swinn he was told he was the best lookin bloke some stunner had ever seen, pulled another in the womens bogs and won £200 in the casino! Me and weasel met him on his way home sunday evening for a few celebratory supps back were it all started in the lane |
| Tales of Domestic duty: Hibs Away by Blacky, Doncaster Away by Gaz, Leicester Away by Gaz, QPR Away by Gaz, Cuntpool Away by Blacky, Cardiff Away part 1 by Blacky, Cardiff Away Take 2 by Gaz, Notts Forest Away by Gaz, Peterborough Away by Blacky, Newcastle Away, part 1 by Blacky |
| Peterborough Away by Blacky Riches to rags, Chelsea to Peterborough, this had been the fucking big one f'er me personally, 'Ewd Skool trip and back on terracing. i was shooting my fat for weeks on the run up. I was driving and our boozy passangers were Belter, Troupy and Kayeligh. So half a days graft is done before picking the girls up at Broadgate and Troupys cracked one even before we have left the estate. Pick mash up on it's not too long before we are tonning it down M61, everyone supping apart from me. Belts has some babysham but is to weak to open it, so it's left to me to do the honours while keeping control of the car. Banter is flowing and lots of reminising, Troupy doing a lot of talk on erections. Several piss stops, including a Little chef bin and we decide to stop off at a country boozer 20 minutes from Peterborough, fire blazing, few pints and Mash takes on Kayleigh at a game of pool of which Mash is victorious. He wasn't as victorious in stealing a sign which was chained up outside. By this time Troupy declared she actually had an erection which was highly worrying considering she has a split arse . . . As we arrive a whole coach full of straight members watch mash piss beside a main road in someones garden much to there disgust. Arrive and park up, The search is on for a lusher, but thats not before Mash has shocked Troupy by now pissing in a accountants office. A few red herrings and finally get into the boozer for a few were there's a decent turnout. We have the coach urchins trying to twist the girls arm that the coach is a better option, me and mash stand back and snigger at any allegations that a coach is a good way to go. It's the fucking pits as ayear to the game showed in South Wales. The moment I'd been waiting for all season as a highlight, back on terracing and what a sight to behold, Full of die hards, flags everywhere and everyone in great voice and mood, it was like good old days with easy roaming for socialising, not ripping ya shins on the front of the seat in front and a great 1-0 win with some great songs. It was to be a victorious ride home with ale still flowing with Troupy being the first one to drop after some kids had threatened to do her in, little knowing what weapons we possessed. Over took by D'estonia and company, i had dropped all 3 off and was in bed for 3am. They all had a lie in but me being a seasoned campaigner, well I was back at work for 7am, ah well there you go, welcome to 2010 |
| Keeping the PC wankers happy with equality, whats good for lads is good for girls |
Great scenes . . .
| Newcastle Away, part one by Blacky So with my quarter century celebrations coming up, we hit jackpot again Newcastle away, and with one of the boys of the past living in Sunderland it was to be a double header – Friday night on Sunderland, Saturday on Newcastle . . . Got off to the worst of starts as I was up to eyes in shit at work and wipers were broken on PA team bus. Met the lads finally at 4pm and with me, mash, duck and Gordie in one car, Ed, Conway, Wee man and Gaz in the other with Nez and Seb to make there way up Saturday. 1am wake up calls by torchlight and a early 90’s rave CD was the main subject as we finally pulled into Sunderland and after a few mishaps and 3 point turns we found the gaff on the sea front. Weren’t long before the others motor turned up along with Ed and his “cock T-Shirt”. We took up the hobby of propping up the hotel bar and we was joined by JK, our PA Mackem based prodigal son. Into town and what a fucking shit hole cha, absolute cock fest with people who apparently sore steroids as much fair game as you and me rate having a shit as normal. But house triples at £3 it was just a case of obliviate yourself. Me and the boy Belter finished the night with kebab, onion rings and chips and curry. And well that was the best part. Next morning proved to be eventful, Ed decided to have a fart and ended up following through and soiling his one and only pair of jeans, Gordie temporarily lost his phone and Ed’s room managed to get trashed very rock and roll – standard for Ed. We made a mockery of a buffet “breakfast” as we brought the buffet to the table and the hotel seemed quite please to get rid of us. Ed’s car was off to the metro, the official PA bus off to the Marriott. Taxi to town and to Goose pub to watch a great Everton win and plenty of pop were the PA Girls dropped by to see us, unfortuantly they hadn’t anticipated meeting Ed who not only had his “cock shirt” on but also out in the bar. And a debate who’d win Troupy /Conway fight . We head off upto the game were Gaz decides he’d like to take up smoking, one puff and theres that much slobber on it, it needed re-lighting and Conway celebrated by putting a fag burn in his ticket. 3,638,459 flights of stairs and a heart attack later, finally in the seat. Could see fuck all, was like a subbuteo game, Gaz cracked up goading the Toon fans and Seb had a few problems on the trains and rolled up pissed 30 minutes after kick off. Spent the 2nd half winding Seb up about how shit his hero Youl is while Conway, JK and Mash fucked game off and went to the pub. Game over back to Marriott to make ourselves look and smell pretty and to casino for a night off fun, Most of the amateurs make tidy amounts wereas the seasoned campaigner took loss’s including one lad to the tune of 80 sheets . . . and some cunt ate ¼ of his pizza to add insult to injury after forgetting what he’d ordered. Taxi to town and into first boozer - full of nobbers, second boozer - full of nobbers and plenty of stirring, third boozer - full of nobbers, by this time we’d met the previous winner of Preston Aways “Daniel Slater player of the year award” Ben Rice who is a Toon fan and Eager, old face. But we was down one face as Gaz had passed out in a chinky and was home for 9.30pm, Conway went back to Casino which left just the Marriott die hards and Nez to end up in Tiger Tiger which was full of North Enders too as a lot of drinks was getting stolen. Also we bump in to one North Ender who'd only nicked some glasses from a random bird. We was forced to leave as a gay bloke was trying hit on Belter. A quick curry and back to the digs for 3.30am. Rumours had it that some ethnic sex was going on, but details are still very blarey . . . Wake up and how often is the last day eventful as this. Down to breakfast were duck finds a 6 inch pubic hair in his mushrooms. It’s then to pool were belter decides to have a wank in the shower when some one outside shouts “come quick”, panicing he pulls his shorts up to find some old bloke having a fucking heart attack, this was all the while one lad was wanking in the fucking steam room on the floor. Action still not over as one lads gets a call to find that he thinks his missus is fucking preggers and all the emotions that goes with it. Nez is dropped off out of Ed’s boot and we begin the trip home with plenty of baby jibes heading to the right hand back passenger seat. Stop in Kirby Stephen COOP and 26 year old married Seb is refused ale and Ed’s who got a pair of jeans on torn up the crotch and his “knob shirt” on is told to leave with his ”offensive” shirt. The funs still not over as as we approach Preston we get a call from JK who’s been thrown out of the house where he was renting a room in Sunderland and is now officially homeless . . . good days . . . Newcastle Away, Part 2 by Gaz You didnt have to be a genious to know that newcastle away was gonna be the big trip of the season and it didnt disappoint..... Trip started in shambles as half of us booked off half a day off work to sup in lane ends while blacky watched some cement set!lol Eventually Eds "black & gold" and blackys berlingo were on the road! Drinkin in the back led to needin many a piss so luckily conway had invested in a babies bottle to use as a vessel to throw out of the window! That werent all he had got as he had been out and spent £41 at the offy for supplies to get us there! Great work. Arriving in Sunderland we booked in, met the others and JK rolled up. Hes been in sunderland 3 years so we say find us a top lusher mate- we get there and its a fuckin gay bar!! Textbook Jay Gay lol We decide to drink until we drop and the prices are in our favour! But turning up to the hotel pissed meant gettin back was a problem and so much so that one member got lost as fuck in the hotel and had to take dump next to the lift! Belter decides to wake the boys up by sitin over them bollock naked and ed followed through and shit himself! So with the scummy undies off and the same jeans and "cock" t-shirt back on it was time for breaky! Me and conway made it a champagne breakfast and after posin for pics with the sunderland under 18s on the sea front (as if sunderland has a beach btw?!) we found the others had taken the buffett to our table. Eaten up ed scared the life out of the 14 year old dirty minx of a waitress and we paid up and were on our way to part 2 of the tripin the toon Meanwhile Seb and nezz were missin trains galore but nezz had a crackin tash and seb was mincin with geordies so they were havin fun. Blacky and his troops went to the classy marriot, our lot were in the complete opposite the metro is such a shithole they gave us our room without takin any money or a deposit. The women bookin us in just loved eds t-shirt a little too much haha We then got a taxi to the goose but had to push the taxi part the way!! Still we were determined to get there and in we go and quick hello with Ste Moat and we met the rest of the boys and got on the fags and brandy. Enter Troups, Kayleigh and Laura Swin for a pint and a chat then off on to the game, late as fuck- just for a change! As we got up i saw the ball goin into the net and started celebratin only to be horrified to c it was goin passed lonners Seb was even later but his arrival was prob highlight of the game! The poor atmosphere was enough for some off the boys who fucked off to the pub. Why we werent givin them toon twats more shit ill never know..... We met up again in the pub and for some strange reason we were singin plenty of spurs and villa songs?! Back at the hotel we nailed alot of wine and baileys, which wud prove to be my downfall, before headin out to the casino. Well that was the plan but for some reason me nezz and seb ended up in a chinky and after my starter i passed out, drooling like fuck and it was time to go home!! D'oh!! So the rest of my nite consisted of seein ed carried up to bed by a random couple after passin out on the stairs and david trying to wake us up by drop kickin the door down! Rumour has it it was a crackin nite and despite some heavy gamblin losses which led to one of the boys almost gettin lifted cuz he cudnt pay for a taxi and i missed out! Although i hear some rough birds were out and about and the boys laughed when they herd one dark lass was on the game to pay for her cancer treatment- erm no thanks eh love.... Nxt mornin nezz explained what the smell in his room was- conway aka pot of rot!! That cracked up us for an hour before eventually bein turfed out of the hotel and back to the pub (shock) for a cavery As the others swam and wanked and had pregnancy scares (??!!) in the marriot we stuck conway in the boot and went to find them- we did- just as they were settin off!! Seb was lucky he was with some big lads to by his alcohol in kirkby stephen and ed still sportin the same gear he had worn all weekend without showerin minus the leg of his jeans offended the whole village with his shirt and racist chantin! The party rolled on back in preston and ended in the black a more of all places. Fitting id say. Crackin stuff and a big well played to everyone involved except maybe me!!! |
| Best thing about Sunderland, apart from road out of the shit hole |
| The pressures on, so what you going to do - strart smoking |
| Stolen giggs |
| The shit bandits . . . |
This aint NO t-Shirt cha
| Shit on the pitch, shit off the pitch |
. . . Shit stirring
| Ed "the grubby cunt" Cheethams crime in Kirby Stephen COOP |