| Hideous by Dan Slater 1 MARRAGE PROPOSAL, 1 ARREST, 1 AFFAIR AND 3 ABORTIONS - 3 years in the lif of Danny Belter July/Aug 2002 - Well it all started in Sports Soccer when this hideous bird started and it didn't take me long to take a fancy to it. After a couple of work nights out and getting off with her i decided 2 give it a crack and ask her out! Sept 02 - After about 5 weeks of seeing her, 'love was in the air', I'd introduced her to the lads and I was even bringing her to PrestonAway trips, but you got to remember i was still a virgin at this point! One Friday night, at the back end of September 02, was a 'special night' for most of the boys but probably the worst for me, I'd obviously had way to much to drink and i was on a lads night out and we was in Browns of all places, Hideous is texting me asking to meet for a beer so i tell her where we are. Next minute she rolls up and were chatting away about marriages, for some stupid reason i decide to come out with the worst line ever 'will you marry me'??? I dunno what was going though my head but I remember the boys congratulating me n all that. But if your thinking whats wrong with a proposal, you got to think I'm 18 she is 16 and we've been together for 5 weeks!! Anyway to cut a long story short I called it off a week later after upsetting the family by announcing it at my sisters birthday party! JOB DONE April 04 - Here we are nearly 2 years on, I've cheated on her so many times its unbelievable, shes getting more fatter and uglier than ever but I'm still with her. Any way one grim night around easter time, Hideous decides to tell me that she is around 8 weeks late for her period, I'm going mental at her and telling her to get a test 1st thing in the morning. The next day I'm at my Grandads doing a spot of decorating when I get a phone call with Hideous crying her eyes out saying shes pregnant! Oh fuck, I down tools and get over there ASAP, We have a long discussion and decide tp do whats best (for me lol) ABBORTION it is. After a few phone calls i book a day off work and take her to Blackpool for a few tests and that and get her booked in for a trip 2 Brummy abortion clinic the next day. After ringing in sick at work, off we are down the M6 at 5:30am in a silent but silently chuffed car lol . . . Get there for half 7, she goes through crying her eyes out but after 9 hours of waiting, its over, phew i aint going to be a daddy!! Drive home was silent again but i took her out for a celebratory meal the week after! JOB DONE April/May 05 - Well these were two very eventful months, it started out when i started a job up in Accrington in an old peoples home, i took a shine to a member of the staff nurses, a bit of harmless flirting at the start but after a couple of weeks she gave me her number. We were chatting dirty most days when she asked me to stop the night at hers after work one night, so i told Hideous i was out with the lads and drove up 2 Burnley were she lives! Anyway after shagging her on more than one occasion i think i was in love :( and she didn't know I had a girlfriend, but she really liked me, so i thought fuck it, i'm going to start having an affair!!! Anyway after about 2 months of planting it, I get a phone call out of the blue saying she is pregnant, luckily for me she had already told her parents n decided 2 get it aborted without asking me, also costing me f**k all in abortion prices . . . I just throw in 'its probably for the best'. JOB DONE, so i decide its time, i stuck her on the 'block list' and never heard from her again :) IM A RITE KUNT! Nov 05 - After a pointless 3 years of a couple of abortions and Hideous getting me arrested for assaulting her (thats another story) I was thinking of a way of finishing the horror, anyway I go round one night to her gaff and she tells me that shes a couple weeks late on the period, NOT AGAIN SURELY!! She took a test a couple of days later and she rang me while at work, 'im soooo sorry Daniel but I'm pregnant'!! My heart sinks man. This one was really hard convincing her that we still aint ready for a brat, and after some hard grafting we get booked in at the Avondale at Preston! We arrive for tests and that and get the dreaded news, ITS TWINS. I still weren't for changing my mind but she was starting to have second thoughts. But were in, she has the op and decide I aint staying over night with her and off home i go with a grin on my face. A few weeks later i end it on a high, after 40 months of seeing hiddious i dump her by text!!! JOB DONE AND AN END OF AN ERA XX |
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| Soapbox - The place were Political Correctness is fucking BANNED!!! |
| Alan Irvine by Corona Unbeknownst to me until today, my uncle is from the same part of Glasgow as Irvine and they happen to be occasional drinking buddies. I hadn't seen my uncle in a few years so when I ran into him in town earlier on he invited me along for a drink 'with a mate' who just so happened to be Alan Irvine. He always comes across as the retiring, reserved type in interviews so I was surprised when my uncle Steve and me arrived at the Fox to be greeted by the sight of Big Al clutching a pot pie, knocking back shots and belting out Bon Jovi's 'Livin' on a prayer' in harmony with the regulars. As I pulled up a chair and extended my hand, Alan took it and instead of shaking it, hoisted it up in the air and led me on a merry dance around the pub. I will never forget the wide-eyed grin on his face as he deftly demonstrated his vocal prowess...'TOMMY USED TO WORK ON THE DOCKS....' Eventually, Alan calmed down and we shared a couple of pints. I didn't feel it was appropriate to talk shop while he was off duty so I kept the football chatter to a minimum. As steel, moody clouds suffocated the Preston sun outside, my uncle, Alan and I had a heck of a time discussing such topics as the rise and fall of Communism, the music of Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young and the novels of Haruki Murakami (Irvine revealing a sensitive, contemplative side I was touched to discover). As time ticked by and the empty glasses mounted up I was discovering I had a lot in common with the man, so I was flattered and delighted when he invited me back to his home for some lunch with him and his wife. Upon arrival at the Irvine residence I was greeted by his lovely wife- a rotund, homely type of woman whose wholesome smile hinted at a big heart. As Alan retired upstairs for a shower, I sampled Susan Irvine's home-made cookies, which were as delightful as they looked. As we sipped on Earl Grey and chewed the fat, I faintly heard some familiar music being played from an adjacent room. Just as I recognised the song as Neil Sedaka's 1959 hit single, 'Oh Carol,' Chiris Sedgwick emerged from the room wearing a hand-knitted woolly jumper and a pair of beige slacks. 'I'm Chris,' he said as he offered his hand, 'Nice to meet you.' So surprised was I by his presence, that despite considering myself a strictly heterosexual male, I blushed a little as I shook the hand of Sedgwick, who looked every inch the fifties heart throb. Just at that moment, Irvine returned from the bathroom. Now I've never been one to judge a book by its cover, but I couldn't help but feel a little disturbed by Alan's sartorial transformation. To say he was dressed bizarrely would be being too kind. His snakeskin cowboy boots may have complimented a pair of wranglers and a cowboy hat, but they most certainly did not go well with denim cut-offs, football socks pulled up to the thighs, a trucker-style baseball cap and a pink floral Indian sari. 'Having a good time, pal?' Irvine said, maniacal smile across his face. He pushed a few buttons on the record player until a techno version of Bill Monroe's 'Blue Moon of Kentucky' emerged offensively from the speakers. My desire to high-tail it was then compounded by the sight of Sedgwick, Irvine and and his wife jostling around on the table, seemingly entangled in some kind of impromptu jive. I decided to make a run for it while they were distracted. As I ran for the front door, someone jumped out of the cupboard and tripped me up. I looked up from the floor and almost puked as I was met with the sight of Callum Davidson in a Spiderman costume, grinning from ear to ear as he dangled the door keys in front of my face. 'Looking for these?' he asked. 'Hoped you liked my cookies. This is my secret ingredient!' he said as he pulled a bag of suspiciously illegal looking dried up mushrooms from his pocket. Realising what had happened, I wriggled away from Callum and clambered hastily through the living room window and out into the street. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and vowed never to speak to Irvine and his psychedelic friends ever again. |
| Soapbox Content Bangladesh Away by Blacky, PA top 3 protectorates by Blacky, Top 3 Tuesday T.V. By Blacky, Grounds by Minty, Top 3 Lasher games by Blacky, PA European Tour by Blacky, PA 10 Commandments by Blacky, Euro 2012 dream by Blacky, We hate Authority by Blacky, Sponsored by McEwans by Blacky, Hideous: The Sequel by Mash, Zambian nick by Pete. Hideous by Dan Slater, Alan Irvine by Corona |
| Zambian nick by Pete Pete, Good friend of PrestonAway having been involved in our travel club and played for PrestonAway F.C. travelled to Afriica and got in a spot of bother, here's is his time when he got arrested, Coming to the conclusion I don't do very well when it comes to beer and boats. last nights dentsoc organised booze cruise ending with me squaring up to the barman until I was threatened with being thrown off the course if we rumbled. Anyway, that's not a patch on what happened on the Zambezi River..... Spending £30 on this trip, which would've been £3 for a local, punctuality was expected. we're not off to the best of starts then when Leeroy rocks up a half hour late to take us. The earlier animosity soons wears off as we set sail and the ale is going down thick and fast. No drink for longer than 10mins rule, on a 3 hour trip, this was never going to end well. things are further improved when the drinking stops for the BBQ. lovely tea. Getting back on it as the sun goes down spirits are high and the banter is top notch. Imagine my surprise then when we stop back at the pier after only 2 hours! Well oiled by this point me and Aussie Jason decide a bit of compo is in order, either: * let us see the boss * give us some of our money back * give us some booze to take on our way as the rest of the group departs in dribs and drabs me and jase are finally getting somewhere with the staff as a bottle opf vodka appears. content with this result we thought we were soon to be on our way with our victory vodka. the 20something locals suddenly climbing aboard clearly had other ideas.... after much handbags it's decided that i need to be forcibly removed. not liking the look of the steep staircase in front of me i cling onto the steering wheel to prevent hitting the ground deck teeth first. a strong grip and good stance mean that when they eventually give up i'm able to bail over board and leg it back to dry land, jason in tow. with a baying mob not far behind we thankfully find refuge at a nearby hotel and call for a taxi. as the vehicle arrives we're surprised to see it's already full, with 4 guys, with guns. not your normal taxi then. turns out the armed passengers are coppers and we're required to make a statement down at the station. agreeing to this option and relieved to b getting out of dodge we're off to give our side of the story. once behind the station desk and with our belongings logged and locked away it quickly becomes obvious that we aren't the ones making any statements here as one has already been made against us. malicious damage! being out accused 20 something to 2 we were soon read our rights and shown to our accommodation for the night, a concrete cell 10x10ft (at best) with a hole in the floor at the corner to piss in and half a dozen other "innocent" guests to keep us company. no water, phone calls, mozzi net, bed or anyone to explain what the hell was going on. we were in for a long night. after shouting through the peep hole for about an hour we resigned ourselves to our fate and got our heads down. dawn comes and it's realised that it's not a bad dream. i am still banged up abroad, could see myself on sky1 by this time! guards come and go taking fellow cell mates out then bringing them back. when is it going to be our turn!? midway through the morning it's decided there's room for at least another 7 in our cell so in they come. time to make more friends. by the time we're called i've been given a shopping list from everyone in the room for when we get released (fingers crossed). bread, cigarettes and water. of course, wanting to keep the savages onside, i agreed to all this. long story short, after questioning we're given an ultimatum. pay off the police and boatowner to the tune of US$100 each and you'll be on your way or you can go through the Zambian courts. Not liking what we've seen of the local justice system so far we take the threat of actual prison seriously and cough up. once the green backs have appeared things get done a lot faster. amazing coincidence? i think not. did the boys in the stinking, hot cell get their bread? i'm afraid not. after leaving through those doors and seeing the sun again i wasn't about to return any time soon. we did eventually see photo "evidence" of the malicious damage and needless to say i'm quite sure if i'd caused that amount of carnage, lashed up or not, i would've remembered it. but if you're out numbered by accusers, in Zambia, you're guilty. TIA baby - This Is Africa |
| Hideous: The Sequel by Mash You voted 100% by poll for Mash's dirty laundry with 22 votes and here you have it, be thankful it wasn't his Boxers from Lyndons 21st night . . . The date was 1st of october 2002, well I'd been with this fat mess for around 6 weeks and been engaged for 2 of them weeks. It was the day of announcing it to the parents! We had just told hideous's parents the 'good' news about the engagement, shockingly they took it well and approved of me proposing to her after 4 weeks!! Derick (her dad) shook my hands and hey mum (forgot her name) kissed me on the cheek and wished us well. Anyway thats half the job done, now it was time to tell my rents. It was my sisters 7th birthday bash at the queensmill bowling up in ashton and with it being a family party this was the oppotunity to get it out there. We all arrive and not knowing that all my auties, uncles, cousons, grandparents the lot are here, im talking about 30 slater members!SHIT!! We have a couple of drinks 2 calm the nerves when we call my mum and dad over when we tell them we have some news for you (there face dropped) me and steph (hideous) are engagged! Up roar brakes out, my mum saying 'wot you doing' my dad calling us 'idiots' next thing my mum is crying! All the rest of the family here the news and every1 is argueing with every1 about it. This did'nt go well as my sister says to me 'to go home as ive spoiled her birthday' Off we go and go home waiting for them to arrive back. They arrive and we have a long chat mainly just trying to get it called off as there saying im 'to young' and wait at least another 2 years all the stuff i already know! Anyway i go round a couple of days later and after some strong words we decide to call it off. FHEW! The date was 23th of April 2005 (st Georges day) and its her birthday, its been 2 and a half years now with hideous and its getting desperate! It was her birthday night in town, we have a skin full and end up in tokes lol anyway its 3:00am and were on our way down to greyfriars, we are arguing like fuck when I tell her out of the blue that 'its over' and 'i don't love you anymore' BAD MOVE she corners me down the side of greyfriars crying her eyes out saying 'please dont leave me' and all that crap, i say ive got to go but she isnt letting me out of this alley way, after a bit of shoving and pushing i manage to push her on the floor and i run to the taxi rank and get home straight away! 20 minutes later i get a knock on the door and she forces her way in, shes still crying and saying she loves me n all that but im just telling her to get out, she decides to take matters in to her own hands and starts attacking me, im on the deck while this thing is on top of me. I manage 2 brake free, give her a couple of digs in the stomache lol and manage to drag her out and lock the doors!! taxi rolls up a bit later and she's gone (FOR NOW) I go to bed and think everythings rosey when my dad wakes me up at approx 5:00am saying 'get up the police are here' i go downstairs and the bobbys say 'are you daniel slater, yeh i say' your under arrest for the assault of stephanie flowers you dont have to say anthing....... blah blah blah. They pin me up against the wall (infront of my mum dad bro n sis) in the hall way and cuf me, my sister crying her eyes out and saying were you going. I get put in the van and off i go to the nic. Fingerprints, photes d.n.a etc all done then shoved in a cell! I remember it being freezing and cudnt get a wink of kip. Its 8:00am when i get offerd brekki and i ask to make a phone call but they say NO until ive been interviewd. A few hours later a get the nod for the interview when i get offered a lawyer (turn it down as lawyers are for wimps) they ask me loads of questions putting me on the spot, the main question was 'did you assault her' i said no and denied it and turned the blame on her as i luckily had scratches over me. After all that and its 3:00pm when i get a phone call, ring the dad up and 1st thing i say is whats north end score lol! i finally get released on bail later and after a couple of days of calming down she decides 2 drop the charges haha idiot!! |
| The body of a hideous Human being. The face iis that of a ghastly beast |
| Sponsored by McEwans by Blacky If I can give you the best piece advice for 2010 so far, it would defiantly be avoid “McEwans” lager at all costs. New Years afternoon, I downed a few with a PrestonAway Patron in town and ever since I’ve been having ‘reet angry dreams, ones of being twatted and murdering people. Woke up at 5am New Years day and not dared go back to sleep since, Dodgy stuff that McEwans. Where do years go, as a young pup people told me to enjoy my life as years go fast so with PrestonAway 2009 being one of the most eventful yet with a League and Cup double for out boys from the site to writing articles for books, T.V. interviews, 16 countries in total visited for stories, plenty of ale, not many wins, 1 police shutdown and the site secured for another 2 year we dive head first in to 2010 ans it’s gonna be fucking massive, a bit like thee’s gut. Euro 2012 draw in Warsaw on February 4th, Newcastle Away, Bangladesh Away, World Cup, Start of Euro 2012 qualifying and then Ashes and then there’s S617 Tours trips. So it may appear that I’ve fucking robbed ya like, yes I have took a lot of sections from you, but have a gander through what’s left. I’ve added more photos and videos int hes seasons rather than con ya by loads of sections - Quality, not quantitycha, know what I’m saying. Also we have returned to our cretinous style of writing littered with mistakes, well no point in trying be a Rose when you’re a thorn eh? Many folk have asked what the fuck is S617 Travel and whats it stand for – Squadron 617 Dambusters anyone? S617 takes over from Preston Away Travel bringing working class tours to the masses. We have done away with the North End trips, this will be run what ever the weather amongst ourselves, S617 is now public for everyone to come away with whether it be the Dogs, day at the horses or the cricket. And as a offer to those who have made it this far the first 10 to book on the Manchester dogs will get a 10% discount upon mentioning Soapbox, email me and it’s first come first served. Trips are open to friends family, friends of friends, anyone who aint a cunt and coming to enjoy it for what it is.basically. As a last mention we have secured the future of Preston Away F.C. of which Mash has sent his personal thanks and gratitude. With us mirroring our big brother Preston North End with lost heart, squabbling and shit form we’ve had a clear out cha and pull ourselves together for a new league format and new signings to replace the outgoing and we’re looking good . . . that’s still not forgetting we’re in the ¼ finals of the cup at current. So we’re on it, PrestonAway 2010, back to basic and back for good. NO Surrender, Blacky |
| We hate Authority by Blacky Mafia, Authorities, fuzz, old bill or our preferential name for them cunts, there fucking everywhere causing a right old nuisance of themselves, cause your can in hand in Watford at 6pm on a Saturday, turning a blind eye to 90 year Mrs Jenkins having her pension snatched by Sub Saharian . . . Welcome to PrestonAways top 3 shit police forces 1 – Yorkshire The old fucking puds win it by a country mile. One set of horrible twats of the highest order. Not that were a bad lot or ‘ewt but these fuckers continually seem to pop up in our write up, no more so than Barnsley. Wrongful arrest on Easter Monday to them objecting to a bit of “we all hate Barnsley” banter, I mean come off it officer, I go England with all the Barnsley faces. We’re about as popular in Leeds as a Jew is in Gaza city, always quick to be mouthing off when padded up, turns a blind eye when not. Frog marching ya ASAP out of that station to wrong train is there favourite tactic, York here we come. As for Sheffield, there off there loaf, ruthless the old steel city police. I don’t think it’s just Preston they hate, I think there just anti life in general miserable cunts. 3 out of 7 of our Sheffield November 08 party will roose that for you, won’t ya Adam? They really do not like PrestonAway and we don’t fucking like them. 2 – Berlin Polizei. These boys were really expecting it in our 2008 friendly. It was like the apartheid cha, English one carriage crammed like fertilizer in a Nigerians Y fronts and all the other folk in the other 5. On what was a fairly quiet few days overall it dosen’t help when your having bottles rain down on you from the old German ultra’s while the Robokrauts come in tear gassing the fucking gaff while drawing batons. No Wonder the old Jews have the hump if this is how they were back in the day. Starsi Twats saying that we did take the piss in Munich, fuck ‘em they make good sausages and beer so we’ll let them off this one. 3 - Thames Valley Now to be fair there were plenty that could have snaffled this stop, few hat jump to mind – Kent, Cumbria, Swiss (I mean who teargas's a McDonalds) dare I say LANCON. But one thing you should never do to upset PrestonAway is take a pint from our hand, and this is what these bastards did exactly, bringing a tear to gaz’ s eye as all that booze met it’s death and ran into the track at Milton Keynes train station. He was a grumpy old cunt-stuble and in the middle of a right old fucking ding dong with himself, saying that it was a warm March day, overcrowded train, Cup semi finals, Preston, Coventry, Leeds, Portsmouth, West Brom and everyone pissed. It’ was alright for fucking Coventry and West Brom, they was home in the hour as we had to savour a stray bottled of saved Jacques between 5 of us. Bad times |
| Euro 2012 dream by Blacky Couldn’t have given a shiny shit about Christmas 2009, meant n’ewt to me, The only religion I’m concerned with us protecting our outpost from them catholic oikes and it’s capital Belfast. 25th December, fuck that for a laugh, it’s fucking robbed off the English, we been celebrating it for 5,000 years celebrating winter solstice, no father Christmas or pine tree’s in Bethleham, I’ll tell ya. 7th February is what it’s all about cha, Warsaw. Euro 2012 qualifying, As I was being force fed After Eights on Christmas day, as the clock struck midnight on new years eve, as we watched Home Alone 2 for the 2000th time, all I thought of was Warsaw, 7th February. Here we give you PrestonAways guide to Euro 2012. Pot 1 England Pot 2: Greece, Czech Republic, Sweden, Switzerland, Serbia, Turkey, Denmark, Slovakia, Romania. In the pot of the new EU members, there’s a shining light, one that sticks out, while most Leeds lads want a bit of Turkey, Straight members want Denmark, one strikes me like a bolt out of the blue is Serbia. Serbia, Serbia, Serbia. It will be a rum old trip to the old former Yugoslavia, there’ll be murders but if I wanted a stroll in park I’d take up WarHammer or some shit like that. All about the fucking Serbs son. Pot 3: Israel, Bulgaria, Finland, Norway, Republic of Ireland, Scotland, Northern Ireland, Austria, Bosnia- Herzegovina. Another shit pot with all the fucking neighbours in, but again there’s one and the more I look the more I struggle to look at any other – BOSNIA. Fucking dodgy cha, coupled with the Serbs, it will be fireworks. I can remember our boys bombing the hell out of Sarajevo, must be fucked. Anyway fuck the football and war, we love peace and a piece of Bosnian fanny wouldn’t go a miss, Balkan pussy, hmmmmm yum yum. Pot 4: Slovenia, Latvia, Hungary, Lithuania, Belarus, Belgium, Wales, FYR Macedonia, Cyprus. Another weak pot of Sepp Blatters piss. Lithuania has poteniial for a good jaunt with Poland or Kalingrad as a side trip but lets be upfront, Belgium and Wales are fucking drab, so lets go booloo and have a dabble at yet another Former Yugoslav Enclave – Macedonia. Stranger things have been for example our World Cup group, we were on our own little former USSR tour– Belarus, Kazzie and Ukraine. We have had Macedonia a few times and the lads that have been rave though is full of pikeys, never stopped us going Burnley though has it????? If not, give us Cyprus, lets get the mayhem started and some sun on our back. Pot 5: Montenegro, Albania, Estonia, Georgia, Moldova, Iceland, Armenia, Kazakhstan, Liechtenstein. This pot is the fucking dogs bollocks – Monty, Albania, Moldova, Iceland, Armenia. I actually begin to shake like $5 crack addict Mayweather SNR just thinking of the prospects. If we get Estonia or Liechtenstein I will fucking gutted, so gutted I will murder someone, probably that Platini knobhead. For me there’s only 2 – Georgia or Armenia and for me its got Armenia written all over it, I will knock myself out with a marathon 5 day wank fest should this little fucker drop out. Couldn’t be assed if we didn’t make Poland/Ukraine, it’s all about Yerevan Armenia. I remember all I wanted previosuly was Kazakhstan and the emotions that poured out was like a royal wedding the days after. NO FUCKING ESTONIA OR LIECHTENSTEIN PLEASE, There’ll be murders . . . . Pot 6: Azerbaijan, Luxembourg, Malta, Faroe Islands, Andorra, San Marino. How fuck are Cyprus and Liechtenstein ahead of Azerbaijan??? Only the fucking messiah knows, or the bank of Blatter. Anyway, Azerbaijan please coupled with a trip to Uzbekistan, sort the die hards from the western Europe numpties. No Andorra thanks, it’s shit in Barca, I didn’t even watch it last time, Joke nation. The Dream: England Serbia Bosnia Macedonia Armenia Azerbaijan Now that is a fucking rum group even if I say so myself, dangerous to boot, no baggage needed here. Serbia, Bosnia and Macedonia along with old Nato peace keepers England then Armenia and Azerbaijan aint exactly on eahc others Christmas card lists. I’d be expecting to be stabbed at least twice, and that’s just flying from Heathrow. February 7th, make a note, should be boss |
| PA 10 Commandments by Blacky At PA.co.uk, there's only 2 things religious that bothers us, The protection of Belfast and its interests, and also the protection from loony religons fromt he Middle East other than that If you want a life of sin, deviance and underhand participation but want adventure, lots of ale and a great bunch of folk to travel and length and breadth of the UK with and even get on to foreign shores but don’t want make a prick of yourself, well never fear we are here at hand with the PrestonAway 10 commandments . . . Refer to everything as “cunt” Friend or foe, it’s all important to refer to everyone at all times as “cunt”, with only your tone distinguishing malice or love, “He pulls a pint like a cunt”, “wanna drink ya cunt”, “ thats a right cunt”, “I’m going break her cunt in tonight” or “how’d you do that you cunt”. So many ways and forms to use such a key word. Barnes’s Theroy If your going fly to Berlin direct with Lufthansa, you belong on Englandfans+ We are built on gimmicks ere and If you don’t want the adventure you might as well watch it on tele. The worlds a big place, Plymouth via Kidderminster, Berlin via Dublin, Bangladesh via Kuwait, this is what we are talking about . . . Speak mother tongue at all time Everyone knows the English are cunts, we don’t need prove anything, We ruled 75% of the world so that means what we say goes. You didn’t see Captain Cook in Waterstones before he headed Australia looking for a fucking phrasebook did you! None of this “Je Voudrais une grand bierrrreee sil vous plais” Bulltshit, We’re English cha, just walse in like you own the gaff and give “gizza big beer luv or you lovely stain glass window gets it, oreet????” . . . Respect fellow train journeys It’s important to search out fellow drinkers on the train, Smile, shake hands, embrace and sup in harmony, even if there are Portsmouth fans drinking 2% Carling, because when the “Anti-10am-drinking-brigade” start to get on your back and the shit hits the fan, they maybe your only allies to back you up. Best things in life are free Lets be honest whether you lifting wine off the train trolley, complimentry tickets, 8 lads in a 2 man room, minesweeping, taking a hip flask with you, running taxi’s leaving restaurants without paying, hiding people under train tables, using counterfit currency it’s always a great buzz to getaway with it . . . and don’t lie and take the moral high ground you bastard, thing are always better when fraudulaently obtained Ale, gambling, shagging . . . and 3 points please Any human worth there salt knows this is all a man needs to live . . . and perhaps a bacon butty unless you got a rag on your head and pray towards Mecca. 4 Bodds, 10 cider, double vodka orange, £80 win off £3 on your bets and getting you fucking end away is all you need on PrestonAway trip and it’s all smiles, 3 points is always nice to get too. Tactics are for twats Between Monday 8am and Friday 3.30pm I’m an all conquering intellectual mastering setting out buildings, come weekend I’m a loser. I don’t want to hear some Darren Fergusion vigilante giving it death about whether should be 442, 433, Mellor or Parkin, Just don’t give a fuck, we employ a management team to worry about this leaving us to worry about the important stuff like finishing a 24 pack of Boddingtons. Coaches are the route of all evil If your to be a PA patron forget all about the coaches, to be fair it all falls into the lap of “Barnes Theory”. The old in and out format organised by so many an organisation is about as appealing as AIDS, I’d rather drive and be as dry as a nuns cunt all day then enter one of these hell holes, infact I rather crawl through 240 miles of drawing pins and broken glass to get to London then get the coach. FACT Pasting gear is Obligatory Nothing worse than a shirt, especialy some 28 year old wanker in a replica shirt with a players name or worse there own name across the back. Cringeworthy shit. What do you thinks going to happen, you might get a game? Get a fucking grip, your not and even worse you look like a cunt. Shirt, pants and pasting shoes is the PA Dress code, even a PNE polo is acceptable but a replica shirt, there for fucking kids cha No regrets, No remorse No surrender Finally, if your going to be wrapped around us for 18 hours on a Saturday, 3 things you should remember before you make any action, will you regret it? Do you have a conscience? Will you give up? If you answer yeah to any, ring this number 0844 856 1966 and ask for a coach booking for the next away game because we don’t wanna any soft cunts being wrapped around us while we’re away. Amen |
| PA European Tour by Blacky The European tour starts here cha, I was expecting new ales to swallow, fresh meat to violate, new tastes to savour, different places to see and the que Switzerland and Wales come and wreck the fucking party. We waited 6 month and it went down like lead balloon cha, I still think we should do a “paddys paddy” and go bleating to UEFA and demand a redraw, but what can you do. Anyways here’s your PA guide to Euro 2012 Qualifying . . . Montenegro Definitely the best of a bad bunch, and the one we wanted from pot B. A relatively new nation and for those that don’t know fuck all about this gaff, its in the old Yugoslavia, East of Bosnia, west of Serbia and North of Albania which can only mean one thing. It’s a big trip round the house’s for this with some right deviant nations to visit and make up for the short fall in the draw. It capital is some gaff I’ve never heard – Podgorica, and for the first time in years no advance visa’s are needed. It’s population in total is less than that of Manchester and the ground, well it’s like something from Peterborough. Its going to be one hell of a trip and is a definite within the PrestonAway schedule. To be fair I’m expecting this to be 6 points, nothing there I can think will upset the boys. When dates are confirmed check back for an update and a more indepth look into PrestonAway: Montenegro Bulgaria On the face of it Bulgaria’s Bulgaria, Sunny Beach Berbatov and holiday homes, look a little closer and it’s a situation that need and is going to get exploited, know what I mean! The little oasis also known as “The Black Sea” open up all kinds of avenue’s you never knew existed and this is were Armenia – Georgia – Bulgaria pops up, now if that isn’t taking a bad situation and making it good, dunno what is! So what looked like another boring destination, well we’ll make some of it yet and there’s still the chance it could turn to a double header, with Montenrgo not far awat at all, but we don’t want any of that shit. 2 separate trips please. Plus with Easyjet serving Sofia from Manchester and no visas needed it all looks hunky dory all of a sudden. As for football not that I could really give a fuck, well this will be points dropped with me suspecting 4, we’ll drop two out there. Anyway, we’ll be there in one form or another and don’t you forget it PrestonAway: Bulgaria, got a nice ring eh? Switzerland What the fuck, get fucking rid, not entertaining this bullshit, end of chat on this sorry subject and joke of a nation Wales England H team . . . . . tempted by a Wembley trip On that note looks like the cricket cha for anything remotely interesting |
| Peterborough or Podgorica |
| Top 3 Lasher games by Blacky Gary Peters, was all over this like a fucking rash,”them lot with the tower” was how he described it, for me that is too mild. Those horrible scroates at the end of the M55 dirt track with there scruffy little town getting raped off the Poles and Scots every year and there non league style esque stadium smaller than our Tom Finney and still unable to fill it. There's chicken stock and then there's laughing stock, with them lot being the later. Having to pass through paradise to get out of there horrible little lives, but come Saturday its time to barricade this town as they have a day of luxury. The West Lancs Derby . . . Here are the top 3 for me, sticking one right up the cunts . . . November 2008 - Lashers 1-3 Nobbers Was a Sunday and the beginning of one of the greatest week in any mans life, 2 derby wins, 1 domestic, 1 international and finishing off in Vegas with a bag full of winnings. We was troops down with some preferring a brats christening and it seemed the better option as these cunts dressed in orange took the lead in there 2 sides and a scaffold stadium. Luckily wasn’t raining. Anyway, the team belonging tp a rapist took a sinister turn, and Oyston would want to be sewing a sack for his head as we went on a rampage as Brown took a brace while Mellors gave us the lead. All them airheads had soon fucking left the stadium leaving nothing but pink seats to leave a sorry site. Less than 2 and ‘arf hours since arrival we left to a fanfare of hornsm as not a lasher one lasher was in sight. November 1994 – Nobbers 1-0 Lashers David v Galiath, we was the bottom run of football, scum were in there glory year in the league above, They put “founder members of divison 2” as some kind of achievement, small time mentality, anyway we’d only drawn them in the worlds greatest competiton and it was on Sky on a Monday night at our atmospheric old sku’ Deepdale. Anyway, I was only 9 and it was my first derby and PrestonAway was a long time to even be thought off as was possibly us even having a computer. The plastic pitch was a long gone memory as we was on grass, I think most changed to something harsher than grass when Micky Conroy dinked one into the Town end net giving us passage over the orange scum and put himself forever into Preston Folklore and hero status. Too young a pup to take full advantage, but first derby win all the same. December 1999 - Preston 3 - 0 Lashers With them needing blankets to keep warm as a result of living in our shadow we was getting the better of scumsville and with some rather rugby like results to boot. This was the Moyesie area of Tepi, Kidd, Greegs, Ranks, Nogan, Gunnlaugsson. It really was our "recent" glory years. Something of the past was also there, a 3pm Saturday kick off at a derby, now you don’t hear of them a lot nowadays! As with our 3 goal hauls of the past, it was certainly a game of 2 halfs with a certain Mr Eyres fucking dicking one in on 71” before Appleton scored while Eyersy with a stunning free kick made it a sweet day at Deepdale and gave us another 3 points on our way to getting shut of these donkey lashers for good, but as they say you can’t get rid of a bad smell these days. Febreeze for Sat-dee cha? |
| Gary Peters: "Them lot with the tower" |
| 'Ewd Skool Sky coverage - fuck y'er HD shit |
| Grounds by Minty With Newcastle Away coming up, your getting people coming out the woodwork sweating, shaking and shuffling about like Mayweather SNR after there fix of Premiershit football. Why, just because it has a 50,000 seater stadium. An old debate that seems to surface time and time again. How do you calculate how many grounds you've been to? My first away game watching the Whites was against Huddersfield at Leeds Road. Leeds Road is probably a new development housing estate or a Tesco now so can I count this to my total to get to the magic 92? Another early memory of mine is watching the Nobbers away at Scarborough. Now they have dropped out of the league - Does this count? As a regular follower of England, I have seen England games at Old Trafford and St. James' Park - As I wasn't watching Preston, do these count? I saw Preston play Accy Stanley in a friendly when they were still a Conference team, now they have finally made it back to the Football League - Can I add this to my tally? I've been to Roker Park and The Stadium of Light - Does this count as one or two? Getting confused? The 'Jonesy' Scale My mate Jonesy has strict rules on this. He says you can only count a ground if you have seen a match there and it must be the current ground. Using the Jonesy scale, I have clocked up 74 grounds. Fred's Scale Fred is even stricter, he states that you must've seen your team play there. Under Fred's rules, I can take away 4 grounds, putting me on 70. My Scale Minty Scale I think that you can count the old ground and it doesn't matter who you are watching. BUT, you can't count a club twice. Under my rules I clock up 78. Total Grounds If you include clubs that are non-league, and double up on certain clubs (new/old ground) - I reckon I have seen North End play at 86 DIFFERENT grounds. I have also been to Old Trafford, St. James' Park, Anfield and Vale Park watching football matches and The City of Manchester Stadium for a concert! I've been to the old Wembley, The Millennium Stadium, Celtic Park, Tynecastle, The AOL Arena and St. Pauli's ground. An interesting debate that always seems to pop up on route to a 'new' ground. No matter whose scale you follow what is important that you are following your club up and down this beloved country. Get behind the lads, sing and be proud - And remember - WE ARE SUPERIOR! |
| The Olympic Stadium Belarus |
| McCain Staidum, Scarborough - RIP |
| Top 3 Tuesday night T.V. by Blacky So, when your teams getting a fucking battering in Derbyshire and you on y’er lonsome in the house, it’s time to get the old idiot box on and see whats the hell is going down, 46 inches is a big old screen to watch and when it’s serving rubbish up your fucked,might as well go to bed at 5.30pm, anyway here’s what was occurring Tuesday 16th February . . . Muslim driving school, BBC 2, 10pm Titled as “An insight into the lives of Muslim Women learner drivers, their instructors and their families. It’s the day Imrana Gathias driving test. Will nerves get the better of her”. - well fuck me cha, ever had to do dual with one of these? Well this program proves it all with plenty of peek-a-boo driving going on including a divorced 18 year old, a ninja going around the roundabout the wrong way upon being asked to “go right at the roundabout”. All valid points as to why these post-box wannabe’s should not be allowed on the road. In what should have been a laugh a minute turned out to be some right good propaganda but in all honesty they person who invented this should fail in his life, just like the planks involved in it, it’s a croc of shit. This really is poor Television but what can you do, watch Royle Family for 395th time . . . . 5/10 Rab C Nesbitt comedy centralX+1, 10.30pm Described as “Gregor Fisher stars as Rab, the dirty, lazy, alcoholic, womanising but loveable Glasweigan slob” – El Tel reckons I’m the English equivilant, but what the hell does he know, in the episode were Little Burny turns into a Neo Nazi and Rab decides to go against his calling in life to be unemployed and goes in search of a £1.95 job cleang shithouses. This really is the dogs danglies, better than the Royle Family, always reminds me of North End pre-season, I mean most Jocks I come across are game for a laugh, I mean how good would it to go for a pint in Rab’s and Jamsie’s boozer before a friendly away to Rangers or Celtic? Had us in stitches cha especially the ice cream van selling drugs, some of the stuff off here is genuine comedy at it’s best, youwouldn’t get away with half of it nowadays. 9/10 Champions League: Ac Milan v Manchester United, Sky Sports 2, 7pm We aint in to all this fucking bollocks of champions league, give us Europa league, bit more deviant fixtures, who wants to go San Siro every other year, Bernabeu every 4 years or Allainz Arena every year when you can go Olimpi Stadium (Georgia), Sheriff Stadium (Moldova) or Kaplakriki (Iceland). Anyway, get most of the old SKY, stuck this on instead of listening to us getting battered, and well what a game in all honesty, Becks assisted Ronaldinhio when old bucky stuck them ahead after a handful of minutes from our boys free kick, which was followed by a stonewall penalty NOT GIVEN, 3 goals by united as they tore Milan open like a can, a sending off for red scum and another AC goal. For a bloke that hates seeing all seater arena’s, women and clapper sicks at football it was a ecent game of kick ball, anyway enough of that shit, 7/10 |
| Ramadam . . . or anything in there case |
| Top 3 PA Protectorates So the fucking Argies are getting abit bargy about the Falkalands again I see, When are they going to fucking learn not to fuck with the British, We are a well oiloed machine on the back of all the ways we’ve been in of late and they still want those little windswept bastards in the south Atlantic, Let’s be honest, I don’t really fucking want them, but I’ll be fucked if the Argentinians are having them. Here is PrestonAway’s guide to our top 3 protectorates . . . 1 – Belfast These fuckers know which side there breads fucking buttered on I tell ya. It’s a great city and a few leafs could be took our of there book. Offically no union Flag is flown from Government buildings as the West Brits think they got a foot in the door of Ulster, but little do they know it’s just to keep them fucking quiet. Drive down 90% of the roads and all you see is Union Flags and Ulster flags, proud to be apart of the Union and not scared of the West Britons with the car bombs and shootings. For a capital city it’s bang on the money, cheap as fuck and the Ulster breakfast are the dogs bollocks. A walk down Shankill Estate is enough to give you a hard on. To be honest, I couldn’t give a fuck about The British Virgin Islands, Falklands and Barbados, but this fucker is our and so it shall stay, as they say in Londonderry – NO SURRENDER. 2 – Gibraltor Now, I aint no fucking great fan of the Diego’s, there greasy, smelly and arrogant. They want Gibraltor so that’s one reason to keep the fucker just to wind the cunts up, the second readon is it’s a duty free paradise, £10 for a sleeve of fags, know what I mean cha, and thirdly the Gibraltons want fuck all as well to do with Spain, they want to see the red post boxes enabled with “ER” and the Crown, they want to be protected by the worlds greatest armed forces, they want to fly the Red, White and Blue. It’s something to be proud of and it’s are duty to protect the “Rock” and £10 sleeve of fags, you get all this anti empire wankers, there just fucking jealous cha. We look like a midges dick on map yet we fucking pilfered every country, and no one dared fuck with us, I’m proud of that, are you? Like a Chihuahua bullying a pitbull cha, 3 – Falkland Islands We could have looked at Australia, Canada or even New Zealand, but we like to look after the vunerable, bit like looking after ya gran. So these windy wet rocks 400 miles off an envious Argentina are there and pleading to be protected! But what is there actually there? There’s once a week flight in and once a week flight out, 4 pubs, a p[ost office and a swimming pool. Theres only over 3000 inhabitants and 500 British military personnel on the island, so to be fair it’s got to be a horror ground of incest and interbreeding. So why do we really want to keep putting resources and wedge here . . . well it so happens the Falklands only have oil and gas fields hence the old Argies kicking off again, all of a sudden with the prospect of cheaper petty and diesel prices they might be worth defending after all . . . . Rule Britannia |
| Shankill Estate |
| The land of Cheap cigs and dirty Morrocan whores in rubber dinghys . . |
| Might be a fucking rag . . .but there patriots |
| Alreet Charvers, Blacky ere calling, so the big’uns here cha, we’ve had Netherlands on Wednesdays, Liechtensteins on Saturdays even Kazakhstan v Macedon ia U21’s on a fucking Sunday, but evoloutions evoloution and you need to push the fucking boat out and test yourself now and again . . . Bangladesh Away, So, you’ll be stuck with no new updates till 25th March I’m afraid to fucking tell ya, as this boy shall be in the the capital of natural disasters, where you seem to have a hurricaine, typhoon, monsoon, tsunami or earthquanke every 40 minutes or so and with PrestonAway there, well fucking anything could happen. So arriving back from Berlin Sunday night, dump the old snow clothes and it’s a 4pm train to London and a night on the tiles with a night up at Heathrow. 10.30am flight from London to Kuwait on Kuwait airlines, it’s only a 2 star rated which means we’re in shit and the fact it’s a dry airline has gone down like a pair of Gail Platts tits. Into Kuwait and it’s going be a fucking sweat not only with heat but 40 minutes to change planes. . . So should get in Dhaka for 4am local time which is 10pm Tuesday night to you fucking lot. It’s fucking grim from here on as we have a hotel booked, but this is the kind of place were facilities include “Fire Estinguisher”, I was expecting a swimming pool and breakfast for 5 quid a night. Dhaka is also known as the “Rickshaw Capital of the World” .and “the city of Mosques” so this should be fun. It has a population of 13 Million and the mercury will be topping 33 during day and a fucking murderous 25 MINIMUM at night, going be like having Seb in the bed cha – piss wrapped. It’s then the night train to Chittagong on the Wednesday night arriving day before the tests to start to chill out, now lets be honest, the cricket is an excuse but admittedly, we wouldn’t have travelled if no cricket, but while here there are ample chances to have a mooch – The British War Cemetery, the everglades, the Tiger sanctuarys then theres the sin city on the coast, the Bangladesh Las Vegas and with tickets costing about £2 for the day, so what if you miss a Cooke century or a Pietersen 18, we are rolling the years back. If it goes the full 5 days, it finishes 16th May giving us 3 full days to make our way back to Dhaka – wonder what we’ll be up to? Once we’ve had our fun its to Dhaka for the final test starting the 20th, and again it’s one of them, so what if we miss a few days, bollocks to it, we’ll be having the crack and we’ll be on tour. Once the stumps are down on the 24th March at around 6pm it will be back to hotel, something to eat pack and to the airport for the 4am flight back to England via Kuwait meaning I should be back in my bed no later than 6.30pm on 25th March 26th March is the date you need to note, we’ll have a right old update for you – Bangladesh away, Bangladesh photo special, Middles borough Away by Gaz, Best/worst 3 PNE games by Seb and that’s just the tip of the iceburg – 26th MARCH – Don’t forget it cha RESPECT |
| Rumour had it someone had sneaked a can of Bodds in to the village |
| Dhaka's Cricket stadium |
| Kuwait City - after we saved its ass |
